Soiled Shortz

[Poor Use of a Perfectly Good Button]



   So I'm watching my Buffy DVDs (as I tend to do when suffering from my regular bouts of insomnia) and when the title theme started playing my eyes drifted down to the DVD remote. When my eyes met the "Open/Close" button it got me thinking. Why in the hell does a remote need an eject button? I mean ok, so you want to change the DVD. Do you then hit the remote button, set it down, walk over to the DVD player, change discs, walk back to your spot and press the button again? Is this the intended use? 

    Why not just press the "Open/Close" button on the player? I KNOW that people are lazy and that's why the remote was invented, but unless you sport a sort of telekinesis that allows you to switch DVDs whilst sitting, it doesn't seem like it would save any time. (By the way, if you do have such a talent, you MUST teach me)

    Maybe people who would normally just press the button on the player have some sort of anemia that renders them too week to press that button? Therefore, they need a remote button that they can just roll over onto and apply their full body weight to open. Anything short of that renders this button completely useless in my book.

    So "what now" you ask. Well, helpful citizen, I recommend you write to your local remote control supplier. Tell them you would appreciate it if they discontinued making this useless button. Some of the poorer parts of our great world lack some of the more necessary buttons! Perhaps these big-name remote control manufacturers could help out their fellow man and use these buttons to help those people in need of a "Play" button. It could be that they are in desperate need of a "Stop" button after they realized they put a copy of "Norbit" in by mistake. Perhaps they need a "Pause" button to fully enjoy their favorite scene in the block-buster "Titanic". Whatever the case may be, people need our help and our unused buttons. Thank you for your time.

~Byron

   [Example of a "Third-World" remote. They can only switch to specific scenes.
This ability is moot though, as they lack even the most basic "Play" button. It's quite depressing.]

    Sources have recently reported that McCain's scouter has reported that Obama is increasing in power! This has made McCain supporters and campaigners very nervous, seeing as this increased power could very well put Obama in the lead in the battle. I had the pleasure of interviewing one of McCain's nervous campaigners. To protect the innocent we shall call him "Panda", as in panderer.

Byron: Mr. Panda. What can you tell me about the sudden increase in power you have noticed in Obama?

Panda: W...
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    I've come to a realization. Gophers are good cooks. This is a fact. 

    Now you may be asking why. Well, It's simple. Rachael Ray is an over-sized gopher in a "people suit". Just listen to it's laugh! Simply put, it has it's own show based on the cooking ability of the gopher. Seeing a gopher on a cooking show would probably freak out the general audience, so the network execs gave it a people suit and it's own show. Mystery solved. Tell your friends.



~Byron

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    I'll just admit it. Dentists would love me. I have a pretty intense sweet-tooth. Candy bars and other sugary treats don't last very long when I'm in the general vicinity. This being said I have found a soda that has no equal.

    That's right! It's called "Big Peach"! Now obvious jokes about the name aside, You may be wondering how a peach soda would taste. In a single word, AMAZING. It surprised even me. Now, you may be thinking, "But Byron, we've had Big Peach for forever and you're...

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